Back again. Love needs to take over.

 It's been a while since I've done a post. I am in a very different time of my life. My little Charlotte I'd struggled with so much as a toddler, is now an almost 9 year old.

I have three daughters now. Charlotte, Maggie (6), and Barbara (3).

Many things have happened, and I'll probably get to all of it. I don't think I need to go through a litany of all of it. 

I think the reason I still feel drawn to this blog is because of the title. I still have this phrase "choose love over fear" run through my head as I am walking around in the evening, going through the nightly ritual of getting everyone to sleep. Or while I'm in bed, trying to read a book, but running through my motherly mistakes for the day. It runs through my head whether I want the memories to or not....when I lose my temper, get impatient, get frustrated, avoid engaging with my kids because I am an introvert who is at home during COVID with my 3 kids.

But when I remember "Choose Love over Fear" I know there is so much more I have to work on this goal....I don't think of it as a goal really...more a life decision. It is a short phrase, but alot of action is packed into it. Choosing love over fear in all aspects of my life seems almost insurmountable. Yet it is something I really wish I could do.

I know that I am fueled in many aspects of my life by fear. Afraid of what other people will thing, afraid that my kids will rot their brains out on their computers, afraid my husband will have high cholesterol if I don't cook healthy food more often, afraid I will have no friends. I choose things in my life entirely too often based on the fears I have if I don't do them.  It know I need to do a total mind shift.

I am writing this blog again, because I need to do a big mind shift and I hope that through the act of writing, I can begin the path towards making life decisions or just daily seemingly inconsequential decisions through the lens of love.

42: Gymnastics

So two weeks ago, I brought Charlotte to gymnastics class. 9am on a Saturday...early yes, but Art is at work, and she wakes up at 7am. I was tired, and unsure of what to expect.
I spent the next 45 minutes watching a teenage girl ( whom I sure is very nice) completely fail as a teacher. She already looked nervous and quiet with a subtle sour look on her face. She did not know anything about keeping the attention of three year olds. It pained me to watch...and the longer it went, the more exasperation I saw on her face. Then I realized...she hates this! She just hasnt admitted it yet!
So long story, unimportant details skipped, made short...I made her cry. I suggested a few things to help manage to keep Charlotte at least in the same area of the gym...and the teacher just crumbled and ran behind the desk.
Ummmmm....I was totally taken by surprise. And I LET IT RUIN MY DAY.
I apologized, I explained myself...all I got as a response from her..."well i've had alot worse kids."
Im still mad at myself for letting it ruin my day. She should not have been teaching.
Im trying to wrap up this blog before gym class is over....so take aways?
Teach my kids to be honest with themselves about their skills, teach them how to approach constructive criticism, apologize if you hurt someone's feelings but it doesnt mean you have to stay in the sutuation. My take away...dont feel bad about expecting a certain amount of quality...within reason.
The gym ended up replacing the teacher and all us good...I dont think I was the first frustrated parent.
Charlotte is loving gym class!

41: hello...is anybody out there?

Im back from a long hiatus.  I just needed to let this whole parenting gig percolate in me for a while...just really let it brew inside me without trying to make sense of it, or find something meaningful or insightful.
Alot of days raising kids, it just feels like we are grinding it out...not in a bad way...just putting our heads down, having faith in our routines and our fledgling skills, and getting our kids through the day. Sometimes I feel like my husband and i are walking forward through parenting together, holding hands, but we rarely get to stop and look at each other...not until the end of the day. But we make it because we can feel each other's hand holding tight.
Anyways...
Something my mom said tonight about this whole parenting experience..."it really tempers a person." That hit home for me...not just parenting, but specifically for me learning to be a mom staying home with my kids. I looked up the definition of temper ( the verb)...and its to increase the strength and or elasticity of a substance by heating up, then cooling..metal, glass....I think that can be applied to being a parent. I feel emotionally and physically pulled and pushed and heated and cooled...and broken down to build myself back up stronger...well hopefully that is.
Im definitely not the same person I was three years ago. I have a tempered view of things. When I hear about a first time mom having a baby, its not just soft warm feelings i have for the baby anymore. My heart really goes out to those parents because they have a ton of hard and fast growing they are going to do...and nobody else can do it for them. I want them to stretch and strengthen and discover what they capable of when they dig deep.

40: Back to the book

I am feeling pretty good about parenting lately. I think I am staying well connected with both kids. Lots of hugs during the day. They dont really fight alot, or at least the fights are predictable and easily resolved...for now. They are 3 and 1 so the fights are pretty simple. They will probably begin to challenge me more soon.
Some tidbit from this morning where I think I recovered ok. On our morning walk Charlotte wanted to walk Oliver. But she was really slow and really distracted by rocks to climb etc...I just wanted her to walk fast because we had to get to school. I found myself getting super frustrated and sounding like a drill instructor! Walk faster! I put her back in the stroller but she really wanted to walk...so I just said Ok. I let us both try it again. This time i stayed alot calmer...this episode reminded me of returning to my book reading. Recenter myself.
Charlotte is loving Treehouse, and I really like the influence the teachers have on her. I think they do a great job focusing on peaceful conflict resolution.  Again another reason to return to reading.
So just a quote that stuck with me tonight from Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings:
"No one likes to be controlled, so its not surprising that kids reject limits that arent empathic. When kids resist our limits, they see the control as outside themselves. As crazy as it sounds, they see it as YOUR job to stop them from attacking their siblings when they get angry, rather than as THEIR job to control themselves."
So yes i need to focus on talking to both girls about why they dont do things or behave a certain way in a more empathic way, instead of just dont do that or a punishment of some sort. Ive been leaning too heavily on bribes or restrictions lately.
Charlotte will be a tough one, but I should start now developing her empathy and internal decision making skills.

39: Good Day

Hmmm...lots of thoughts swirling right now.
Most importantly...I didnt enjoy my late night sneak of blueberry cake nearly as much as I wanted to because my dog Oliver stared at me the whole time! I saw those pathetic eyes in my peripheral vision. Man he's good at that! No I didnt give him any!
Next topic... had a good day overall.
I kept busy with the girls. Also I checked in with myself to make sure I was doing things for myself. Took a shower, made time for coffee, ate lunch sitting down.
The babysitter came today. She let me get some office work done. It went well...I think she will be less nervous once she gets to know the kids better.
Lets see Maggie is doing great...my littld bear cub. So so cute...and very loud and happy lately. She finished cutting two teeth so now she is much better.
Charlotte...well she's always going to have a defiant streak. She is ramping up no's again and other fun catch phrases that baffle me. Like "go away" "i dont want it" "enough". I just stopped taking her seriously...its almost like she's trying them on for size...I listen and try to see if she means it...but I really think she just learns phrases and uses them over and over. I think because she is still building her language skills.
Boy she's a tough nut to crack sometimes. But a kids life is being told what to do all day. I have to remember to give her breaks.
But we had lots of hugs and kisses and I made sure we had some good bonding time.
Raise the kid you have. I want her just as she is. Its my job to help her be the best Chi Chi she can be.

38: The struggle within

So day two of Halina my Mother in Law being gone.
All the familiar anxieties, fears, bad habits feel like they want to well up again.  BUT I'm not havin it anymore! I'm not going to let guilt and fear run my day. Im going to choose to do the things I need to do to have a fun and successful parenting day. If I feel like I need a break, then Charlotte watches TV and I relax and regroup. If i need to get out of the house because the kids are stir crazy...then I pack em up and go....anywhere...on an adventure. I remember to nuture myself and give me what I need to feel good and be a good mom...hopefully thats not 20 coffees!
Im not going to be afraid of losing my temper. I just choose to be in control of my emotions like an adult. I choose my actions from a place of love. If I feel a trigger is being pushed,  then I back off. If Charlotte really pushes back then I focus on clear and direct communication. I can do it! Because I choose to.
I have a babysitter coming for the first time tomorrow. I think the girls will love it! This will be a new experience for me...but Im excited about it. I get some time to work in the office and around the house.
What else?
Charlotte had a great time at our neighbors party today. Hopefully she sleeps all night! Maggie charmed everyone at the party with her chattering and all around cuteness. We stayed thru dinner so both girls git lots of play time.
Reminder for the week: live in the moment! Live in the moment! Live in this moment! No fear!