17: More Progress with 3 Step Prompting

Sorry about all the typos in yesterday's post.   I went back and corrected yesterday's post if you want to reread it without all the errors! I rushed through it because my husband and I were about to go out on a date.  Wednesday is our date night and we actually invited some good friends (Sarah and Andy Harper) to join us for happy hour at The Buckhorn!  I was really excited to go out and have some relaxing no-children-to-feed-or-run-after time!  We did have a great time, and I relaxed a little and drank a cosmo...or two.  The food was great as always, and the conversation was fun.  I probably talked too much about kids...well its bound to happen.
So back to my progress with Charlotte.  I have stuck with the 3 Step Prompting (I added the link to my page) today as much as possible, and I am really seeing a change in Charlotte.  I don't know how to explain it, but it's almost as if she "sees" me.  I think before she would just say no, no, no and not make eye-contact and not really acknowledge me.  We created a work-around where we would leave the room and ask her to let us know when she was ready to do what we asked.  This eventually got the task completed, but it didn't stop the initial refusal.  This 3 Step Prompting is really triggering something in Charlotte that she knows "I mean business" for lack of a better phrase.
So for example today, I came to pick up Charlotte from The Treehouse Children's Center where she attends school.  We went to go sit in goodbye circle and Charlotte immediately popped up to go play or look at something else. So I got close to her and said, "Charlotte I want you to come sit down for goodbye circle."  I got her attention, but it was still a no. Then I patted my lap and motioned while repeating the request again, and got just a stare, so I grabbed her under the arms and put her on my lap. (Now this is not the first time I've ever grabbed her and put her on my lap, but it's the first time after following the 3 step prompting.) and she turned her head around and just looked at me and then stayed on my lap and finished circle. I didn't make eye contact with her or give praise.  But I just got this feeling like she "sees" me, and now knows that I want compliance and I am always go to ask for it the same way and it will end the same way if she doesn't comply.
I gave an internal 'phew' because I really didn't want a tantrum...and I wasn't sure how people would view me holding her in my lap. I wasn't going to restrain her forcefully...just firmly. Well I didn't have to make that decision.  And every time I talked to Charlotte today about a task, I always said her name first and was very clear about what I wanted her to do...and she did it!
Maybe the non compliance WAS a relationship issue but not in the way I was thinking.  Maybe my daughter just needs a very honest and direct relationship with me to know exactly what I am asking. It's almost as if she is relaxing a little now knowing exactly where my boundary are.
It's funny, the guy in the grocery store I was talking to said something that has been sort of brewing in my head.  We talked about boundaries and how I am trying to respect Charlotte's boundaries of not being touched or forced to do something right away and he said, "Well, it sounds like she might be violating some of your boundaries too."  That sort of just sat with me.  I didn't know...I needed to think about that one.  But I think he was right.  I think Charlotte knew that she was overstepping my boundaries, and why wasn't I doing anything about it?
I still have more thinking to do.  I need to stay humble because as soon as I think I have something about parenting figured out...I don't.
"You know nothing Jon Snow!"
 

16: Parent/Teacher Conference

Sooooo...we had our meeting with Charlotte's teacher on Tuesday. She started with Charlotte's strengths which were no surprise, very social, loves having friends, very funny and loving, and very advanced with her motor skills.  We felt very proud because she is a very fun and loving kid.  The teacher has also mentioned her verbal skills have improved, and her ability to concentrate on an activity have greatly improved.  That's great!
Then the teacher brings up the areas of concern. Charlotte's "areas of concern" are what we've been occupied with for the last two days.  The teacher is still concerned about her verbal skills because they are still lagging. She is also quite concerned with what she calls Charlotte's rate of compliance.  So basically at this age most kids will do something you ask them to do about 80% of the time...and she didn't put a number on it but she said Charlotte's compliance is very low.  Well.....not a surprise to us, but I think it alarmed me how concerned my teacher seemed.  Since about age 2 1/2 Charlotte has become quite a challenge and her "defiance" has ramped up quickly.  The teacher mentioned that we are "the best read and researched parents she has"...and that felt good to hear.  I think it is a product of needing to be in order to find workarounds for Charlotte's behavior.  I think in the back of my mind I felt that this was just her temperament and she would slowly grow out of it. The teacher expressed that if we don't address it now it could be a hindrance for her as she gets older and enters kindergarten.  Kids that say "no" to almost every request,  are just plain difficult to work with and difficult to teach. I can see her being labeled a "bad kid." 
The teacher and I talked about different avenues or options to try to get the help Charlotte needs with her verbal skills and behavioral issues.  So we are diving 100% into it.  The school expressed concern earlier about her verbal skills, but she seemed to be improving....so my husband and I backed off.
But now I think we need to pursue this to the end.  What is the harm in getting her more help than she needs?
I was actually more concerned with her low rate of compliance.  I thought about Dr. Markham's book and how it has helped me learn to let go of a lot of frustration and anger, and work on creating a bond through play.  However I think Charlotte's behavior has fallen outside of the scope of her book. 
I started researching on the internet this morning about low compliance behavioral issues.  It is the most common behavioral issue...well that makes sense kids are always saying no and learning their boundaries. 
So my research produced a very good find.  Actually on an autism website called "I Love ABA",(no I haven't figured out what ABA means yet...something to do with autism) I found a step-by-step guide for "3 Step Prompting." 
So in a nutshell...every task is broken down into three steps: 1. Tell 2. Show 3. Do.  So 1. make the request/demand (not question) 2. If no compliance then demonstrate for the child what you want them to do while repeating the request 3. If no compliance, then assist them physically in completing the task.  Sounds pretty simple.  The author of the website said the key is your tone of voice (neutral), your consistency, and your ability to only do those three steps and don't try to supplement. 
After talking to Art, I immediately started trying this with Charlotte.  I don't want to wait around for months to see if a doctor can help us, if we can do it ourselves.  We will also reach out to our private insurance for speech therapy as well has her behavior, but I want to see if we can't find a solution for ourselves.
I think that I am already seeing positive changes...Charlotte definitely knows something has changed.  It is too early to know if this will be successful.  We'll keep you posted!

15: Maggie is 1!

I do have alot to write about, but Im pecking away at this on my smartphone...whilst dreaming of sweet sleep. Plus my sweet buttercup Maggie had her birthday today! So no talk of struggles...ill just let this be her day! Love you to the moon and back Magsalicious!

14: Tantrum

Charlotte was not feeling 100%, didn't get great sleep last night and was over tired by the time we got home from our day...she did fall asleep, but it was hot today so I tried to move her from her carseat right away...and boy did I make a big mistake.
Lesson to learn...avoid tantrums by keeping to a reasonable schedule, and don't wake her up once she's asleep! I tried really really hard to calm her...but she was just too tired and upset. Then I tried to hold her to calm her...nope! She wanted to put me in my room and make me take a nap! She wanted to keep slamming the door on me. So I think she was working out some frustrations of her not being in control. She is so so strong willed. She wants to do things her way and make her own decisions. I really need to try to see if giving her a little more age appropriate freedom will calm her a little.
Don't get me wrong...90% of the day was great. We had FUN this morning and played around. She was very calm and relaxed at the library for her grandma. She was well behaved on our shopping trip...you know for a three year old. She got sad when I walked out of Babies  r Us without her ( 5 feet away)...but its better than carrying her out or letting her set the timetable. She's just not good with transitions. I was rushing. I felt bad...I could tell she was trying to hide being upset. But still she was great through lunch etc...
And bedtime was actually a success. I just felt drained and defeated after the tantrum...but there is no winning with tantrums...just endure...try to stay empathetic. But I wanted the day to end well. Charlotte was just not ready to sleep yet...she got her second wind...and turned into a chatterbox using new words, but was very clingy and emotional. So Art and I worked together staying in her room to help her wind down. She was in bed but still talking alot...so I asked if she wanted me to sing to her...and she said yes! So I went through most of the songs I have memorized...and she fell asleep during American Pie with my hand on her chest...

13: Fun

So I need to have more fun with my kids! The key to getting your kids to listen is through your connection with them. You connect through play. Tomorrow I'm going to resist trying to just get through the daily routine of my kids...and just relax and have fun. Im not going to hover over Charlotte with the next task I think should be completed.  Im just going to let her be and enjoy her day and have fun with me.
Today was challenging...I could feel my patience dwindling. And I could feel myself rushing through things to avoid a conflict.  She gets really tired at the end of the day and I tried to rush the transition out of the bath tub...it went badly. I think I recovered...We decided to brush teeth while still sitting in the tub. And I decided Maggie joins the after bath ritual of toothbrushes and combing hair...she would get so upset if we tried to take her out of the bathroom.  As Dr. Markham says defiance isnt a parenting issue, its a relationship issue. I need to make sure I stay connected with Charlotte.

12: Safeway

I spent at least 20 minutes talking to a stranger in Safeway today. He is a grandfather and noticed Maggie as we walked in. He was very chatty and of all things wanted to talk about raising kids! I was blown away.
We talked about how "no" can be an acceptable answer from a kid...it helps them learn boundaries and have good judgement.
We talked about deciding when a child is emotionally ready for certain things.
We talked about how he realized his daughter had a learning disability and cried and had to apologize to her for assuming she just wasnt paying attention.
We talked about parenting as a team and filling in where our spouse needs help...yes in front of the Doritos chips display.
Then we shook hands and continued shopping...and he wished me luck. What a strange and fun gift! Thank you ex military grandfather Matthew from Vacaville you helped me stay present as a peaceful parent today!

11: 10pm...sleepy

Well I havent had a chance to read my book very much lately, so I'll do that for 15 minutes before I zonk out next to Mags.
Good day, I breathed through alot of potential arguments with Charlotte...and I realized she forgets in a few seconds whatever the major issue is. So I dont take it personally...I just ride the wave a little bit and the waters calm again.
Night! I'll have more tomorrow!

10: Foyle's War

I am about to start the last episode of the ninth season of Foyle's War. Im happy because I didnt even know there was going to be a ninth season. But there are only three episodes! The BBC likes to put out this style of show. Its like three movies with the same main characters. Foyle's War is hands down the best British detective show EVER. I love how British it is (always putting the kettle on) I love the WWII and post war setting. I love the actors Michael Kitchen and Honeysuckle Weeks (ill have to verify the spelling) and I love the writing. It has it all.
That has nothing to do with parenting but that's ok. I love the show and it makes me happy...so that makes me a better parent.
So a couple of noteworthy things for today...I had to ask a friend ( dont ask who, who doesnt matter and I dont want embarrass them at a later date) to refrain from comparing my kids to each other. I think they were trying to incentivise Charlotte to be more cooperative with daily tasks. I havent read anything on this, but it just felt wrong to keep telling Charlotte that Maggie is eating better, and will probably potty train faster. If I were Charlotte, it would probably just make me feel bad. But Im proud of myself, I didnt let myself stew I just addressed my concern right away. Charlotte will do things in her own time.
Which is a reminder to me that I need to stop talking about Charlotte in front of her. I think it affects her. I dont want her name always associated with challenging and difficult.
Another little success is she was really emotional and uncooperative when we wanted to go to the park. But my husband and I worked through it with her. I stayed present and offered a hug if she needed it, but I didnt try to demand her to behave or even explain what might be going on. Shes really big on not being touched...and actually if I respect that and tell her she can do something by herself or Mom can help...she does it by herself.  Ive been surprised!
We think its another growth spurt and she may actually need a nap. When a kid is tired there is no reasoning. So I just dressed her when we got to the park and had two great hours of playing.
She passed out at 7pm! I love our hug goodnight and talking in her ear about the fun we had and how much I love her. That is what I want her to sleep with.
Night Everyone!

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

My mistake for relying on my memory, the accurate title of the book is Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. I will need to go back and correct old posts!
I bought a copy today for my Mother in Law, so she can understand the philosophy I am following.
I think she will really enjoy it.

9: Acting Out

I am relaxing on my couch, kids are bathed, Art is giving Charlotte her nightly toast and milk before bed. Maggie is bfing while humming on my lap. Life is good.
A quote from the book that I think about alot is, "Everytime your kid acts out, it is a cry for help."
It sounds sort of dramatic, but I think Dr. Markham is right. It may not always be a cry, maybe sometimes a whine. They don't really know they need or are asking for help. But they feel wrong or terrible, maybe not heard,  or not made a priority. Maybe they pick up on your stress or anger. They have big emotions and no tools to understand them...so they act out. I like to think in these terms because It comes from a place of love not fear.  They are reaching out looking for their boundaries...looking to be loved. They are not "being bad", they have a need.
I need to listen to my kids, stay in tune with them. And if they do act out, hit the internal pause button, and figure out why before I try to discipline.

Day 8: Phew!

One week of blogging done. Man I'm tired! The husband and are are going to zone in front of the TV for tonight. I got upset a couple times today...but a three year old clobbering a one year old with a shoe can irk the best of us. Tomorrow is a new day! Man I'm tired...

Day 7: Emotion dumping is not being authentic

I love this little section about being authentic because I have been worrying that if my kids never see me get upset,  then I am not honest with them.

"Wondering about you're being inauthentic?...Being authentic about the truth of your experience never requires you to "dump" them on someone else, unfiltered. As the Dalai Lama says, 'Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.' Besides, they're your feelings, and only part of the emotion is coming from this current interaction with your child."
-Dr. Markham Peaceful Parenting, Happy Child

I see in magazines, reality shows, songs, biographies, etc... people just want to reveal it all, dump everything they feel.  By many emotion dumping is praised as some sort of achievement.  It feels like emotional junk food.  This reminds me of a good rift from comedian Jim Gaffigan:

"I’m tired of people acting like they’re better than McDonald’s. It’s like you may have never set foot in McDonald’s, but you have your own McDonald’s. Maybe instead of buying a Big Mac, you read Us Weekly. Hey, that’s still McDonald’s. It’s just served up a little different. Maybe your McDonald’s is telling yourself that Starbucks Frappuccino is not a milkshake. Or maybe you watch “Glee.” It’s all McDonald’s—McDonald’s of the soul: Momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt eventually leading to cancer. ‘I’m lovin’ it.’   "

I am guilty of it, as is probably everyone else. I understand the desire to just let it all out, dump all those ugly feelings on someone else.  But you feel like crap right afterwards and it takes you nowhere. You do not grow, you do not heal.  The hard work is taking those emotions and reflecting on them, and choosing constructive ways to use them in order to become a better person.
My dad always quoted his father, "Don't tell other people your problems. Half of them don't care, and the other half are glad you have them."  A lot of truth in that...but I would modify it slightly.  I do think everyone needs a support network and people to trust.  I had a friend in NYC share some wise words, "The problem isn't what you are telling people, it's who you are telling."
Part of growing up and being an adult is learning how to control your emotions, "emotional hygiene"as I've heard the idea described.

All this talk of controlling anger must remind you of The Empire Strikes Back too right??

"Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in the fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as did Obi-Wan's apprentice."
- Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back
 http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0000015/quotes

So I could keep writing, but I owe the dogs a long walk while Grandma Halina is out with the girls.
Have a good day!

Day 6: Being Mindful

NMindfulness: Allowing an emotion to take hold and pass without acting on it. - Benedict Carey

Anger is a part of all relationships. Acting on it mindlessly, with words or actions, is what cpmpromises our parenting. - Dr. Markham

I like how Dr. M approaches anger in her regulating your emotions section. Getting angry is a part of life and actually a good indicator that something is wrong or not working for us. But to be a good parent and role model we have to teach ourselves how to identify when we get triggered and stop ourselves.Then we arent controlled by fight or flight reactions...instead we have the choice to return ourselves to equalibrium.
She goes into specific strategies as well...all insightful and useful.
1. Heal your own wounds
Im not going to get dramatic dont worry,  i had a good childhood. But everyone has painful memories from growing up. And they come from all aspects of growing up and different relationships.
Dr. M suggests making peace with your past. I agree and already have done quite alot of thinking on this topic.  I have learned it is the only way to be present for my children. But the past still can well up when your child finds a trigger, things you dont even remember until your child brings it to the surface.
The important thing to remember is be conscious of what exactly is causing the anger...dont bring baggage to your relationship with your child.
We all had a good day today...very full. The girls did well at church, only one visit to the crying room for maggie. Charlotte is liquid mercury so just keeping her in the same pew is awesome! Lots of snacks! She likes the singing :)
Brunch at Backdoor Bistro in Vacaville. While we waited for food Charlotte and I toured the neighboring laundromat...fun! Lots of doors, spinning clothes, and change machines! I loved laundromats as a kid!Food was awesome...mmm...kobe beef burger...fingerly potates with a pesto dipping sauce.
Finished the day up with a trip to the "wood park" in Winters to play with Charlotte's friend Addie and crash the birthday party happening there. A bounce house?! No way Charlotte was going to settle for swings.  The party throwers were gracious...Charlotte introduces me to lots of new people! Then over to the 4H meeting in town to say hi to the lambs and Henry the goat.
Then yatta yatta...dinner...bath...toast and milk...crash in bed for Chich...and tomorrow a new day! I should get my rest!
The photo today is from this morning..sweet maggie still sleeping...i got up for my coffee...

Day 5: Another Bed

The kids are on a roll this week. Charlotte keeps waking up in the middle of the night, and yelling "Mom!" at the top if her lungs until I get up. I think she is having nightmares, but she has learned from being sick that if she says "hurts" or "tummy hurts", then I am alot more...attentive.  I have to get up because my husband gets up at 4am to get to work in Richmond. He works with heavy machinery so fatigue can be dangerous for him.
If Im lucky Maggie keeps sleeping...I havent been lucky.  Two kids up at 3am?!? And my husband awake...and my mother-in-law awake ( she is staying with us until mid-June.) Ahhhh!!! Last night I just handed my m-i-l Maggie and went to deal with Chich (Charlotte.
Sooooo...I got another bed. Well got it out of my parents storage unit. Its in the office now right next to Charlotte. Now Art can close his door, put in the ear plugs and get solid rest. I on the other hand...I think tonight if Charlotte wakes up again I'm gonna have to stonewall her. Its becoming a habit...and ignoring is sometimes the only solution. I am useless the next day without sleep! Can I ignore with compassion?! I can choose what is best for the whole family.
I haven't got alot of reading in...but I have been thinking about the book after a Parents Night meeting last night at The Treehouse (preschool for Chich). The topic was how to get your kids to listen. They promote the same ideas of Peaceful Parenting.
The take aways from that get together were 1. Have realistic expectations. Know where your child is developmentally. 2. Don't yell...or if you do then correct yourself and change your behavior. Yelling degrades your relationship with your child. Get up...walk over...put your hand on their back...look them in the eye...and talk to them.  ( the teachers admitted to making this mistake...which made us all feel better.)3. Have more Yes's! Try not to make everything "no" in a child's life...pick the really important stuff...and let the little stuff go. Like Charlotte pulling all the petals off my roses...they wil grow back...and plenty of time to teach her respect of flowers. My friend Janna reminded me of this also the other day at the park...your kids have their whole life for rules!
Anyway...Maggie is awake!

Day 4: Charlotte

Charlotte is a warm, loving, free spirited, explorer, experimenter, problem solver, independent, single minded, endless energy child!
I love her endlessly, and am endlessly faced with challenges because of her temperment. As a 2 year old, we could not keep her in her bed long enough so she could realize she was tired. She was a classic Jack in th Box...and every evening I dreaded the routine of her coming out of her room. My reservoir of patience dried up. I was in tears over the frustration. I did not want my two year old to look like the enemy anymore.
I had teachers and family warn me against locking a child in their room. I felt horrible even thinking about it..but my gut was telling me I had to do something to save my relationship with Charlotte. A friend told me about the "door monkey" that keeps a door locked but open a few inches. I was still reluctant but also desperate. So I tried it. ( i know i'm beginning to sound like an infommercial.)
IT CHANGED MY LIFE. I know that sounds dramatic but it really did. Charlotte needed to be physically kept in one spot in order to relax and fall asleep. The first nap she cried for 15 minutes and fell asleep on the floor....but I didnt get angry at her and she didnt get yelled at and she got her rest.
A year later and I know my daughter even better now, and her problems with going to sleep was only the beginning of unveiling her strong will :)
Yes we still have the door monkey. Yes I use it almost everyday to navigate around her toddler behavior.
Her preschool teacher told me she will be a challenge, and you'll have to ramp up those parenting skills quickly.
But I have to look beyond the challenges, and see her. She is an amazing kid and a gift. If I allow myself to enjoy her, play with her, listen to her, let her be her, then I see her start to thrive.
I stay committed as her parent because she deserves the best of me.

Day 3: Knowing Personality

So as a young mother I am still in awe of what different personalities my children have.  I laugh when I remember what I thought parents had control over regarding their kids.  Or I internally roll my eyes when I hear people complaining about a child's behavior. If I see a mother or father trying in earnest to keep it all together and manage a young child, then my heart goes out to them.
As Maggie gets older, I realize I cannot parent the same way for both my kids. I can be fair between them, but I cannot be the same.
I raised my voice at Maggie last night because she bit me while breastfeeding in bed. I have never heard such a sorrowful cry, it was so filled with hurt. Charlotte would get upset, but would rebound quickly and move on. As a mother I have learn how to set boundaries but respect both girl's emotional response and how they express them.
It helps to try hard and remember how I felt as a kid. Dr  Markham says
"kids want us to know they are just kids and trying as hard as they can.
"
I remember feeling that way and it helps me feel connected to my children.

Day 2: Refilling my cup

Today is a day I need to take care of myself. Maggie my 1 y.o. was waking up every hour last night, and Charlotte woke up once yelling for me about 1am. I got up at 7am feeling more tired than when I went to bed.
So today I will lean on my support network and give myself a break. My Mom brain seems to always be saying, "you should be able to handle more." But I know raising kids gets infinitely harder for me when I don't get enough rest.
I am skipping ahead a little in Dr. Markham's book but she talks about the importance of taking care of yourself so you can be there for your children.
"The real job is keeping your cup full so you have plenty of joy and presence to share with your child. Kids love our joyful presence..."
"The secret work of adulthood is that we are all still growing up, and parenting forces us to learn to parent ourselves as well as our children."
The part of me still growing up and having all these emotions about raising kids really longs to be mothered.  I want to be taken care of, soothed, and loved. It is very empowering to hear that I can do this for myself. That in fact its my job as a parent to also take care of myself.
I want my children to thrive because they have a mother with a full cup.

Day 1 (Part 2)

So I am done with Day 1. As I mentioned before I am reading Dr. Laura Markham's book, here is her website of Aha!Parenting if you have not heard of her before: http://www.ahaparenting.com/
I actually started the book over again today while I was breastfeeding my youngest daughter.  I love this book, and it is not a book to read quickly and then put away. I think I just need to keep reading it over and over again while my kids grow up just to keep myself in the right frame of mind.
So as I read through the book this time I'll mention specific parts that are Aha! moments for me.  The first one:
"Parenting isn't about what our child does, but about how we respond. In fact, most of what we call parenting doesn't take place between a parent and child but within the parent."

AMEN!! Wow this part really resonated with me. I read it a couple times and have been thinking about it all day today.  Our job is almost like a doctor's Hippocratic oath...Do no harm.
I finally realized, my daughter Charlotte is going to grow out of these frustrating behaviors...and I just need to work really hard to be as patient as possible, and set boundaries for her while she works through them.  She is not always going to run away from me or refuse to listen during every single transition of the day. Or not allow me to brush her hair or put her clothes on because she's decided she is not ready.  How I AS AN ADULT RESPOND TO HER BEHAVIOR IS WHAT DEFINES ME AS A PARENT, and will ultimately teach my daughter how to handle her own emotions.

I am really glad I read this part again today because it helped when Charlotte did not want to go to the park with me.  She actually tried to push me into another room and close the door to say "go away." She wanted to stay at home with her Grandma and play.  Now you're asking, why not let her? Because my husband and I know she needs to burn off energy, play with children her own age, and get her outdoors for fresh air.  Is it easy to go through yet another transition? No.  Is she worth the effort? Yes!   It actually took me a while to calm down after that, because it just really hurts to have your kid choose Grandma over you.  But I realized this issue is internal to me, and not something to do with Charlotte at all.  I don't want to regret taking it out on her.  So I kept my mouth shut, stayed patient and eventually calmed down at the park.

Goodnight everyone! Bed calls!

Day 1: Purpose

My name is Eleanor and I am a  36 year old stay-at-home mom of two girls, Charlotte 3 years old (in June) and Margaret 1 year old (end of April.) I decided to start a blog for myself after my mom recent "failing" as a mom.  Short summary: Charlotte gets stomach bug for the first time, a week of "oh my God, when is the throwing up and diarrhea going to end?!" and the aftermath: a week of really bad behavior....well...on both our parts.
Tantrums!!! She would have them....and then I would follow with my own.  Well the adult version of a tantrum...which is losing control of my emotions, getting really angry and yelling. Yes I cringe to think of my behavior now.
BUT....here is the important part...I decided I did not want to parent this way.  This is actually not the first time I have decided this.  I think the majority of the time I do a pretty good job being a parent. Whenever I feel like I am getting too angry or frustrated with my daughter Charlotte, then I'll spend an evening researching different parenting techniques.  This always helps me refocus my efforts, and let go of my anger.  I can then focus on helping my daughter grow and learn. A mantra I picked up from one of my researches that always helped me is "As a parent is not your job to control your child, it is your job to teach your child how to control themselves."
But this last episode reminded me again how important it is for me to remain a mindful, peaceful, parent.  So I started reading Dr. Laura Markham's book Peaceful Parent, Happy Child, and I decided to keep a daily journal about my efforts to hold myself accountable.  My goal is to stay committed to being a parent who makes decisions based consciously in love instead of in fear.  I know that when I let all my fears take over, then I make bad decisions for my daughters.  Their behavior actually gets worse too when I parent from fear. Fears such as: I am afraid if I don't discipline strictly now, then my daughter will grow up to be a spoiled brat or a drug addict.
Dr. Markham's book is one that I think I will need to re-read, and re-read. I will probably base alot of my entries on advice from her book and how it is helping me me the parent I want to be and my children happier, more confident and responsible people.